{"id":1302,"date":"2010-08-22T13:12:30","date_gmt":"2010-08-22T20:12:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/?p=1302"},"modified":"2010-10-20T03:37:58","modified_gmt":"2010-10-20T10:37:58","slug":"living-with-lawyers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/?p=1302","title":{"rendered":"Living with Lawyers"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>It’s tough being a Food Quality Inspector and Nutrition Enforcement Agent on a farm.\u00a0 I honestly cannot imagine how the general public has the time or energy to engage in the controversy over raw milk and the safety of animal manure compost in organic farming.\u00a0 After all, around here just getting through lunch, after school snack, and dinner can spark a class action lawsuit.<\/p>\n

Oh, there are clear legal guidelines and bylaws governing the distribution\u00a0 and consumption of edibles on a farm.\u00a0 For example, Section 42B.3 of Mom’s Statutes Regarding Underage Liquid refreshment and Edibles (hereafter referred to as MOMSRULE) specifically states that “All items packed in a lunchee’s lunchbox must be consumed before the request and procurement of after school nourishment. (1)\u00a0 Lunchee may be given the opportunity to finish the edibles in the lunch box upon arrival at the homestead; (2) however, said opportunity shall not extend beyond 30 minutes after disembarking from school bus or 10 minutes of complaint regarding the quality, quantity, texture, or temperature of lunch box contents, whichever comes first.”<\/p>\n

The legislation seems simple enough to me.\u00a0 Yet every afternoon, I am met with a hug, a kiss, and a flurry of petitions from my lunchees including:<\/p>\n

Petition 902.\u00a0 Petitioner requests exemption from Section 42B.3 due to mitigating circumstances as follows: petitioner attempted to eat banana in lunchbox in accordance with MOMSRULE but discovered a black spot approximately 4 inches from top of banana which could be neither circumvented nor swallowed without invoking gag reflex.\u00a0 Therefore, petitioner asks for mercy from the court and permission for after school pretzel consumption.<\/p>\n

Petition 511.\u00a0 Petitioner challenges the validity and safety of Section 42B.3(2) and provides evidence of\u00a0 half eaten container of yogurt which has been without the benefit of refrigeration for more than 4 hours.\u00a0 Should the court proceed with enforcement of MOMSRULE, petitioner will be forced to notify appropriate child protection authorities.<\/p>\n

Petition 67.\u00a0 Petitioner invokes the protection of Telling About the Transgressions Taken with Lunch Edibles (TATTLE) and reports that a sibling lunchee was seen discarding carrots into school waste receptacle.\u00a0 Upon sighting, aforementioned lunchee offered 2 Silly Bandz to petitioner in exchange for silence.\u00a0 Petitioner seeks a review of lunchee’s violation in addition to possession of offered of Silly Bandz.<\/p>\n

Petition 83.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Petition 83<\/p><\/div>\n

Interpretation of this petition provided by the court:\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

Little and the Court Judiciary (MOM) eating huge cookies together after school.\u00a0 Don’t we look happy?\u00a0 Notice the hand holding.\u00a0 What if we didn’t worry about whether any lunchees finished the contents of their lunchboxes and just gorged ourselves on vanilla wafers? Respectfully submitted for your consideration by lunchee Little.\u00a0 P.S.\u00a0 I love you.\u00a0 P.P.S.\u00a0 You look so pretty.<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>That’s what it’s like around here.\u00a0 Every day.\u00a0 Continual challenges to my nutritional authority and legal standing.\u00a0 It’s enough to make me cower behind the locked door of the downstairs bathroom, consoling myself with a fun size Snickers and a clandestine Diet Coke.\u00a0 But\u00a0 that only leads to more dissent and more little slips of paper pushed under the bathroom door:<\/p>\n

Petition 821.\u00a0 Under the guidelines of\u00a0 the Freedom of Information Act Petitioner requests documentation of\u00a0 (1) all food and beverage consumed by the maternal parent behind closed doors\u00a0 (2) accurate description of any food product consumed by the maternal parent that is packaged within a crinkly wrapper and (3) scientific evidence of the fact that Diet Coke cannot be ingested by minors as the caffeine and synthetic sugars in it stunts their growth.<\/p>\n

Petition 96.\u00a0 Petitioner wishes to file a complaint of discriminatory practices and hostile living environment based upon inappropriate household food allocation.\u00a0 Therefore, petitioner respectfully requests access to envelopes, stamps, and Grandma’s address.<\/p>\n

Sigh.\u00a0 All of this just to get out of eating the carrots in their lunch box.\u00a0 I’ll tell ‘ya it’s enough to make me write a note to the AIG teacher demanding to know why she insists on teaching kids the Socratic method.\u00a0 Do we really want children engaged in inquiry and debate?\u00a0 Really?\u00a0 Because at 4pm when I’m hiding in the bathroom just hoping they will stop whining and finish the banana chips I packed for a “treat” in their lunch box before they find out they’re having homemade gazpacho and honey wheat bread for dinner, it seems like a bad idea.\u00a0 A very bad idea.\u00a0 Doesn’t anyone teach that children should be seen and not heard anymore?<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Luckily, I have 4 hours of class that I have to attend 2 nights a week.\u00a0 Oh, it’s exhausting to sit through lecture and skills lab when you’ve already put in a full day of house work and barn chores.\u00a0 Yes, it’s draining to get home at 10pm and know you have 125 pages to outline and still another load of laundry to start before bed.\u00a0 But, boy, is it liberating to pass the gavel to Judge Other Half right before dinner.\u00a0 Remember Judge, no second helpings of mashed potatoes until their serving of minty peas has been eaten.\u00a0 Muwahahaha!<\/p>\n

I understand Mrs. Obama is determined to turn America’s eating habits around.\u00a0 Healthy diets including organic fruits and vegetables, natural food snacks, and less sugar and fat for children across the nation.\u00a0 I wish her good luck and Godspeed.\u00a0 I also think it’s a good thing she’s got a law degree from Harvard.\u00a0 She’s gonna need it.<\/p>\n

As for me, I’m thinking of changing my title.\u00a0 Does Food Czar sound more authoritative to you? A little less open to challenge?\u00a0 Perhaps, in addition to the new title, the kids will need a history lesson on how Czars deal with dissent and petitons……….<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It’s tough being a Food Quality Inspector and Nutrition Enforcement Agent on a farm.\u00a0 I honestly cannot imagine how the general public has the time or energy to engage in the controversy over raw milk and the safety of animal manure compost in organic farming.\u00a0 After all, around here just getting through lunch, after school […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[60,32],"class_list":["post-1302","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-so-you-think-your-kids-are-bad","tag-food","tag-kids"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1302","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1302"}],"version-history":[{"count":45,"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1302\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1536,"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1302\/revisions\/1536"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1302"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1302"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1302"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}