{"id":159,"date":"2009-08-12T17:37:21","date_gmt":"2009-08-13T00:37:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/farmingforprofits.com\/?p=159"},"modified":"2010-03-14T04:45:47","modified_gmt":"2010-03-14T11:45:47","slug":"never-work-with-dogs-or-children","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/?p=159","title":{"rendered":"Never Work with Dogs or Children"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>I’ll leave out the part about getting everyone into the car.\u00a0 Honestly, I cannot even remember that part.\u00a0 I must have blacked out.\u00a0 But I do remember crossing the parking lot.\u00a0 Fear has lodged it into my memory.\u00a0 I am not sure if it was the terrifying sight of Little being dragged in front of an oncoming car by our Labrador.\u00a0 (For the record, I objected to him as dogwalker.\u00a0 No one listens to me.)\u00a0 Or it may have been turning from rescuing Little to see the German Shepherd still in the car, peering out the driver’s window with his huge, goofy paws on the gear shift.\u00a0 Had I rushed out of the car while it was still running?\u00a0 Did I set the parking brake?\u00a0 Before this concern can result in action, Big flings open the car door, releasing the Shepherd, but failing to grab his leash before his exit.\u00a0\u00a0 And now he is gallivanting around the parking spaces, eagerly greeting shoppers with a toothy grin and a couple paws on their chest.\u00a0 There are not a few screams.\u00a0 I do not accept responsibility for this.\u00a0 What moron envisioned putting veterinarian offices in strip malls as a good idea?\u00a0 Address your complaint letter to them, not me.<\/p>\n

By the time 4 kids and 4 dogs are hustled from the Suburban into the waiting area, I am in a cold sweat.\u00a0 The receptionist smiles endearingly at the children.\u00a0 “Hello, sweeties.\u00a0 Did you bring your doggies in for a check-up?”\u00a0 Judging by the way the kids were dragged into the room it seems to me like the dogs brought the kids in, but I’m not about to argue.\u00a0 My children are usually only considered cute for the first few minutes of their arrival.\u00a0 So I enjoy it while it lasts.<\/p>\n

“Go ahead and\u00a0 put your doggy on the scale, darlin’.”<\/p>\n

“OK, honey, but now you need to get off the scale.”<\/p>\n

“No, baby, you can’t lean on the dog while he’s on the scale.”<\/p>\n

“Oh, cutie, I can’t get a good weight if you push all the buttons on the scale.”<\/p>\n

“Mommy, maybe you can help with the doggy, please.”<\/p>\n

Assuming that this is addressed to me, I glance up from removing Middle from atop a pile of 50lb bags of\u00a0 dog food, which is now tilting precariously.\u00a0 I am standing on the leashes of 2 “doggies” and have the third leashed wrapped 100 times around my arm to keep the Rottweiler from eating a cowering Yorkshire Terrier on the lap of an old man.\u00a0 Is this woman oblivious to the fact that we are walking on a knife edge above the descent into chaos?<\/p>\n

“Um, is there a vet tech or something?”<\/p>\n

The old man snorts derisively.\u00a0 The receptionist frowns, but pushes a button behind her console.\u00a0 Instantly we are rushed by an animal lover in scrubs—distributing pats to the children and treats to the dogs, assuming control of leashes, managing the scale and ushering the already-weighed into a private room.\u00a0 God Bless the little people.<\/p>\n

Upon entering the exam room there is much dispute about the single chair in the corner.\u00a0 Will it be shared by 2 children at a time?\u00a0 Or will they each take a turn?\u00a0 Or will one child attempt to dethrone another by tugging mercilessly at her legs while she holds defiantly, grunting, to the chair arms? Apparently the chair will tip over, pinching one child’s fingers against the wall and pinning another child underneath.\u00a0 No one wants to sit in the chair now.\u00a0 Problem solved.\u00a0 No one believes it, but I support the theory that inaction in parenting can be the key to conflict resolution. \u00a0 Most people think I am just lazy<\/span> overwhelmed<\/span> ignoring my children.\u00a0 Please.<\/p>\n

Now that the chair is off limits, the children’s attention turns to the exam table.<\/p>\n

Middle:\u00a0 “How are we going to get the dogs up there?”<\/p>\n

Pretty:\u00a0 “We don’t.\u00a0 Big dogs sit on the floor.\u00a0 Little dogs sit on the table.”<\/p>\n

Big:\u00a0 “Little dogs are for wimps.”<\/p>\n

This last remark is from my husband’s school of thought.\u00a0 I grew up with a little dog.\u00a0 She could be carried in a purse and slept on my pillow.\u00a0 She did not make people scream in parking lots when she was loose.<\/p>\n

Little:\u00a0 “Can I sit on the table?”<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0 “No.”<\/p>\n

Little:\u00a0 “It looks strong enough to hold me.”<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0 “No.”<\/p>\n

Little:\u00a0 “What if I lay down on it?”<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0 “No.\u00a0 And watch out for the sharp corners.\u00a0 Don’t hit your…..”<\/p>\n

One child down, crying with a bleeding forehead.\u00a0 Lucky there are cotton balls in a container on the counter.<\/p>\n

Big:\u00a0 “Jeez.\u00a0 How sharp is that thing?”<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0 “Careful.\u00a0 Don’t bump into….”<\/p>\n

Second child down, having bumped his head on the table support post while examining the sharp corners.\u00a0 Give each child a leash and a dog to watch over, away from the table and the chair.\u00a0 Scan the room for other potential hazards.\u00a0 Hmmmmmm.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0 “Middle, don’t stand behind that door or when the vet comes in….”<\/p>\n

Crack!\u00a0 Doorknob slams into his forehead.<\/p>\n

Good intentions, late delivery.\u00a0 I attempt to greet the vet over the wails of injured children and ferocious barking of large dogs.\u00a0 Luckily, one of those magical vet techs is accompanying the vet and she soothes and calms the room as easily as sprinkling fairy dust.\u00a0 Impressive.\u00a0 I hope those people are paid more than I think they are.<\/p>\n

The vet reviews each dog’s medical history.\u00a0 He asks if they have had any complaints lately.\u00a0 I look at him blankly.\u00a0 Can he not see that my days of closely monitoring pets for the slightest inclination of discomfort are over?\u00a0 I mean, my husband and I used to discuss if a dog seemed “sad” or “out of sorts.”\u00a0 But those days ended when we had miniature human beings playing on the carpet.\u00a0 Now I just hope the dogs get fed twice a day and try to keep the toilet flushed so they have fresh water.\u00a0 I smile and avoid eye contact with the dogs.\u00a0 “Nope, no complaints.”<\/p>\n

Now he checks their paws and notes the length of their nails.<\/p>\n

“Seems like they haven’t been clipped lately?\u00a0 Would you like me to trim them?”<\/p>\n

Gee.\u00a0 I am paying for this exam, right?\u00a0 How about you bring on all the included services you’ve got!\u00a0 I smile again.\u00a0 “Sure.”<\/p>\n

Apparently he really meant, do I want the vet tech to trim their nails, because she busies herself with clippers and consoling words.\u00a0 The children assist by giving the dogs hugs so tight that the dogs are more concerned with oxygen deprivation than the clippers.\u00a0 The children mimic the tech by mumbling reassuring phrases like, “It’s OK.\u00a0 I’ve got you, baby” and “Don’t worry.\u00a0 I won’t let them hurt you.”\u00a0 The dogs do not resist in hopes that this will be over quickly.\u00a0 Either that or they have passed out.<\/p>\n

Now the vet examines the dogs’ gums and asks if I brush their teeth.\u00a0 I am embarrassed for him.\u00a0 Has he really bought into the hype regarding dog toothbrushes and plaque removal products?\u00a0 Every idiot on the street knows this is just a marketing ploy as big as ShamWow and the Snuggie.\u00a0 Guess what?\u00a0 Towels and blankets have already been invented and dogs lived for centuries without human companions and dental floss.\u00a0 Besides, my dogs’ preferred method of plaque removal is chewing on anything by Little Tikes as well as the wooden legs of the coffee table, dining room chairs, picnic table, doll beds, well, you get the idea.<\/p>\n

Before I can enlighten him, a dreaded announcement is made in the peanut gallery.<\/p>\n

“I need to pee.”<\/p>\n

There are no good choices here.\u00a0 Usher everyone out of the exam room and to the bathroom, leaving dogs unattended and losing my place in the exam queue.\u00a0 Can the dogs and children maintain their sensibility if this visit lasts another 30 minutes?\u00a0 Do I really want find out?\u00a0 Or send children unattended to the bathroom, which is out of visual range and auditory surveillance.\u00a0 Hope that whatever happens in the bathroom, stays in the bathroom.\u00a0 Sigh.<\/p>\n

So I assign Big to take Middle to the bathroom and send them on their way.\u00a0 I also give the “move it along” hand gesture to the vet.\u00a0 The exam continues with the uncomfortable obtaining of temperatures and stool samples. \u00a0 The remaining children abandon their choke holds on the dogs to get a close up view of the intimate action.\u00a0 A choke hold may have been preferable as the dogs are now scrambling everywhere and it turns out large dogs can<\/span> make it up onto the exam table if they are fleeing from a thermometer.\u00a0 Little squeals delightedly at the chaos and Pretty makes fake gagging noises as if she is overcome by this disgusting procedure.<\/p>\n

“Knock it off,”\u00a0 I reprimand.\u00a0 “And Pretty, don’t stand behind that door or when your brothers come back…”<\/p>\n

Crack!\u00a0 Doorknob slams into Pretty’s forehead.\u00a0 No one listens to me.<\/p>\n

Big and Middle burst into complaint about the bathroom procedure.\u00a0 I think it entails Middle spraying water all over the sink and Big refusing to help snap Middle’s jeans.\u00a0 I am not sure b\/c the dogs’ vaccinations arrive and the presence of needles shocks everyone into silence.\u00a0 The children cower in the corner of the room.\u00a0 The dogs, humiliated, have gone to the Happy Place in their minds.\u00a0\u00a0 The vet tech does the deed (of course) and the vet uses the lull to slap down a three page\u00a0 printout detailing the charges of the visit and asks for my credit card.\u00a0 I comply and start wrapping leashes around all my limbs for the death defying trip to the car.\u00a0 Please, no cats in the waiting room, please, no cats, no cats…..<\/p>\n

We are released and the dogs exit the exam room with wagging tails and freshly trimmed nails scrabbling on the linoleum.\u00a0\u00a0 For a moment, Big is trapped behind the door, pushed back and abandoned in the frantic rush.\u00a0 Luckily for him, he is tall enough that the doorknob only jabs him in the stomach instead of the forehead.\u00a0 Also, as the oldest child, he has learned to save himself rather than wait for help that will, at the very least, be late in coming and probably arrive annoyed, too.\u00a0 He rescues himself and catches up to us as we fly past the receptionist desk where a disgusted man is standing and asking, “Have ya’ll seen the condition of that bathroom?”\u00a0 Keep moving, kids.\u00a0 Keep moving.\u00a0 By the time I do headcount in the car, everyone is present.\u00a0 I am leaving with everyone that I arrived with.\u00a0 Sometimes that’s the best you can hope for.<\/p>\n

\u00a9<\/span> Stevie Taylor 2010. All Rights Reserved.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’ll leave out the part about getting everyone into the car.\u00a0 Honestly, I cannot even remember that part.\u00a0 I must have blacked out.\u00a0 But I do remember crossing the parking lot.\u00a0 Fear has lodged it into my memory.\u00a0 I am not sure if it was the terrifying sight of Little being dragged in front of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[14],"class_list":["post-159","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-so-you-think-your-kids-are-bad","tag-dogs"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/159","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=159"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/159\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":516,"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/159\/revisions\/516"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=159"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=159"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/ruffledfeathersandspilledmilk.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=159"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}